Thursday, January 1, 2015

Half and Half.

     I turned 20 weeks today with baby 5.O. Exactly half my pregnancy was in 2014, and the other half will be 2015 (assuming she is born on May 21st.) I have been somewhat silent {for me} during this pregnancy. I cannot decide if this is because I have so so so many thoughts, emotions, and feelings about it, or because I just haven't had time to write. Maybe a mixture of both.

Baby 5.O is a girl. This came as a complete shock. Sort of. About a month ago, or so, I had begun referring to the baby as "she" in my head. I'm not real sure why. My gums bleed more often than not when I brush my teeth, which is a common pregnancy symptom I did not have with the previous four. By 16 weeks with Mitch, I was feeling him on the regular. By 20 weeks, anyone could feel his massively strong kicks. With 5.O, I am still merely feeling flutters, if I am lucky. This is unusual for all of my children. I still have zero appetite most of the time. I wake up a little gag-gy. My acne is off the chain. Something about the pregnancy has just felt "off". I panicked about this feeling of mine, and almost got the first trimester screening test just for peace of mind. Matt dismissed the notion, said, "you are pregnant, like you are always pregnant."

By 16 weeks, I had texted a few of my closest friends and informed them of my girl suspicions. They agreed. Most people do. Ever since Curtis, every pregnancy has been a "girl" according to just about everyone. Though, I had found, much to my pleasure, that more and more people seemed fine with the idea of us having a 5th boy. It's like everyone could finally see my point of view. They realized, it's fine, and fun to be a boy mom. That you don't need a child of each gender to have a complete and happy family. When asked what I was "hoping" for, my true and oh so cliche answer was (and still is) "a healthy baby". I simply LOVED the idea of a 5th boy. Seamus Michael. Such a perfect fit to our little family. At the same time, a girl would be something new, and different. She could carry on my family history and go to St Teresa's, like me, my sisters, my mother, aunts, and grandma. Matt could experience father-daughter dances and perhaps a wedding as father-of-the-bride.

As it were, 5.O is a she! I walked into the sonogram room, and immediately said, "I must have an anterior placenta. Either that, or the tiniest, laziest baby and something is wrong." The tech reassured me, and then asked if we were "finding out". When we said yes, she asked what we already had...I replied "4 boys". She said, with a smile, "Oh geez, now I am nervous". we reassured her that we were not "trying for a girl" and that we would be thrilled with either gender, and also told her we would like to guess without her telling us. She laid the probe on my belly, and it was immediately obvious, I do have an anterior placenta. That explained a lot, the lack of movement was really my body's inability to feel due to the large cushion on the front of my uterus! Though, the baby really wasn't too active, and she was lying straight, somewhat breech and with her legs out-streched and crossed. THE WORST positioning for gender determination. As we searched and searched, I caught a fleeting glance of what I thought to be sign of a female. The baby finally moved a bit, and the tech asked, "So, what do you think?" Matt responding..."Well, I don't see a penis." The tech and I both admitted we thought it was a girl earlier, but couldn't be sure. We checked probably 30 times, while Matt and I sat, smiling, in disbelief. The baby was also measuring 3 days behind (which is totally fine) and means, perhaps, she will be 8lbs 1oz which has always been my girl weight prediction.

I am so very curious what she will look like. I hope she gets Brock's tall, lean body-type, his hair thickness and texture as well as his eye lashes. I hope she gets Curtis' smile, nose and love of sleep. I hope she get's George's sense of humor and eye color. I hope she gets Mitch's hair color, eye shape and skin tone. Really, I know she will be beautiful as she his, and though I could also pick and choose pieces of each boy's personality, I know she will be who she is. And I will love her more than anything on earth. Like her four brother's before her.

The wonderful surprises never end with this pregnancy. It took me days, weeks even to believe that truly was pregnant with 5.O. Now, it's only been a weeks since we discovered baby to be a she, and I still question it at times. It's all so very fun. How wonderful would it be, if she surprises us and decides to come a week or so early on her own!? I am pretty set on letting her come on her own terms, provided she stays measuring "small". And if she does this efficiently enough, I may for-go that dreaded (but oh so wonderful) epidural. Lots of "if's".

I just think my heart may explode. I think I might be the luckiest person I know. I don't know what I ever did to deserve such a wonderful, healthy, fun family. I like to think that I don't take a single day for-granted. That I still respect reproduction, and the miracle a healthy baby truly is. I am ecstatic to bring a little girl into this world, and raise her with 4 older brothers. I am really enjoying the shopping as well. Like a lot. Definitely, too much. I still have half of this pregnancy to go, but cannot wait to kiss those precious newborn cheeks, forehead, nose, toes. Until then, I will try to love this journey. I will try to enjoy the discomforts of pregnancy, knowing they are bringing me the greatest of all joys. I will try to love on my four boys before dividing my attention, yet again. I will simply, love.

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