It's funny, I've always viewed mine as a distinct advantage over those that are "neurotypical" aka "boring" *winky face*. And, when I say mine, I mean, my suspected ADHD. Or alleged. Never formally diagnosed nor treated, because, why?
Long ago, I developed systems that work for me. I struggle(d) to sit still, so I took restroom breaks. In high school, I remember being asked, more than once, if I ever actually went to class (then in college, I simply didn't.) I read my books upside down in an attempt to make them more challenging and keep my attention. I "hid" doing word searches during class inside my desk (the teachers HAD to know I was doing this, but I'm sure they were like, "shhhh, don't poke the bear, she is still and silent, FINALLY.")
I live(d) off of To-Do lists and planners. I love to organize. I've developed some OCD out of need for functionality. I studied in loud places, because that was the only way I could tell if I was actually retaining information...I didn't hear a sound.
I always thought I was a skeptic. And that this skepticism is why I never took words at face value, nor completed tasks in the same way as my peers. Then I realized, it's because my brain does not see things in the same way. Simple questions on normal paperwork stump me. (i.e. Relationship: ummm, my relationship to them or their relationship to me!? Agh, umm, I don't know. They are my son and I'm their mother. So...do I write Mother? Or Son? Or Mother-Son?) Yet, complicated, strange, intense and difficult logic puzzles seem like common sense. For better for worse, I am ALWAYS "reading between the lines".
Clothes have never fit me correctly. In my logical brain, it doesn't make sense that I have THE MOST UNIQUE body-type to have ever existed that not one single piece of clothing fits properly. But that's what I believed, forever. Until it dawned on me. It's not the clothes...
In fact, this constant wondering and seemingly obvious reinforcement that I was in fact, THE MOST UNIQUE person around, did nothing but bolster my confidence. I misread all of my bizarre little ADHD tics and strange neuro-connections as traits!! Like super top quality traits that could be interpreted as creative, original, innovative, imaginative, ingenious, resourceful. These words are sought after, things you want people to say about you.
I live my life in ADD wonderland. People ask me how I manage to have more hours in the day? When your mind bounces from 30 different topics, and you're able to harness any of them, it appears you're being super productive. I can come up with a reasonable (and often super efficient, because ADHDers hate to waste time as it seems to just slip away) solution, for any problem. In fact, I can come up with endless solutions. I'm the "idea man" (but don't count on me to follow through.) As a result, I can find the positive in nearly all situations.
And the energy. Oh, the energy ADHD gifts you is invaluable. Envious even. How do you think I could swim 6 hours a day and still "go" to school and excel? None. Stop. Energy.
In my experience, I would wish ADHD as a gift for everyone. It's fairly well-known that most of history's greatest inventors and scientists were blessed with this affliction. The first to come to mind is Albert Einstein...
...wait a minute. Here it is. The flaw in my theories above. Einstein. Perhaps the most famous part of Einstein's story, is how much he struggled. How he forgot and lost things. Was distracted in class. Did not actually do all that well academically. His crazy hair, and unique personality. He simply, did not fit in, anywhere.
I think about this, and I think about my own children. I see my Brock, and mostly, my George. Oh how fascinating, funny and unique they are. I embrace all of their tics. Again, all those positive words come to mind. But then I see the struggle. How simple homework takes 2 hours, when it should take 2 minutes. How overwhelmed they get because all of those 30 topics swirling up there in their brain are too hard to harness. They can't seem to pull them down and line them up and see how much they can accomplish. Instead, they see hurdle after hurdle. They hear "be quiet, sit still, stop stretching your shirt, where are your shoes, where is your backpack, why can you not listen!?" I realize, not everyone with ADHD enjoys it. Not everyone gets mostly perks without a lot of consequences.
I smile, when I go to pick up my children from aftercare and see that every single back pack is lined along the wall, except for 2. Hanging from the hand rail, on the curve. George is right, it looks like the perfect hook for a backpack. I'm sure the instructions were to place your bag along the wall, but that curiosity, that eye, that impulsivity, it sets you apart. But it can set you back.
I've been thinking about ADHD a lot lately. When do you get the diagnosis. Do you really want a formal diagnosis. When do you treat? Do you treat? Will the creativity disappear? Will your generous, sweet, wonderful child get negatively labeled? Is it worth it to keep that untouchable uniqueness yet struggle, day in and day out to stay afloat? For some with the condition, like me, the answer is easy. The hurdles just were lower, fewer and further between. For others, those hurdles are there before you even get to the bottom of the stairs in the morning.
For some reason, my personality matched with ADHD was a great fit. Though, in hindsight, I remember my swim coaches saying "you could see it, the instant you walked on the deck, which Erin showed up. The one that could not and would not lose, or the one that would give up." In med school, once material got so intense and massive, I struggled at times. I was at the will of my hyper-focus times and if those didn't fall in good timing with exams...well, my performance yo-yo'd all over the place. Unlike Michael Phelps, I was never really able to figure out what made me tick. I still struggle, to this day. My mom was probably right, I should have done yoga or meditated - but to my over-active mind, that sounds like torture.
I am not sure it's within my capabilities to be on time. Whether it's due to distraction, always searching for my phone, purse, keys, avoidance of being early and bored or straight up procrastination...I am always late. Despite all this, I feel I've nothing but flourished.
I guess, like pretty much everything for me, I'll continue to think about ADHD. A lot.
No comments:
Post a Comment