And no, I am not talking about Curtis.
Today, I think I realized I must remain fat, to be happy. This is the first time in a long time, possibly ever, during residency, that I just felt defeated. I didn't want to be there. I felt scrambled all day. I didn't get all my work done. I have 3 presentations to give this month and boards to take, while working 10 hour days and taking care of three children. I have already taken 2 vacation days this month, and had to spend 5 hours of each of those days catching up on WORK! Plus studying. Great vacation. And this day just so happened to coincide on the first day of my diet. I think my brain uses way too much energy on a daily basis to cut back on calories, and my milk supply for George will probably begin to suffer.
Lately, I have also been wondering if I shouldn't get on some kind of medication for ADD or anxiety. My mind is cluttered as cluttered can be. And running a mile a minute, or faster. I have so many thoughts, I can't even blog anymore. I can't keep up. And this crowding causes me to be forgetful. Extremely forgetful. Tonight, in Target, I went with 3 things in mind that I needed and came home with $150 worth of purchases and only 2 of those 3 things. I often blame this on "baby brain" then "post partum hormones" now "diet"...but maybe that's just me. Maybe I am scatter-brained. Maybe I do have an anxiety problem, and true panic attacks. I think my swimming trained me to manage stress to a degree, but now, as children multiply and work hours increase, I can only do so much on my own.
I don't know. Maybe it really is just the starvation talking. But either way, I could use a really long break. I could use a few 8 hour work days that don't have every minute occupied. My brain needs to quit playing catch up. Too bad, I don't foresee that happening for a few more years. Guess I will just have to continue to eat.