I want 6 kids.

It's a problem. I have a real problem. With every child, I increase the number of children I want.  And it is for so, so many reasons. 

Originally, I wanted 5 kids, because I am one of five.  I loved it.  I loved every minute and every day of my crazy, chaotic, busy upbringing.  I am still extremely close to all of my siblings. We are all in Kansas City.  We have dinner together at least once a month, and sometimes every weekend.  My son and my sister's son are obsessed with one another (Brock more with Xander, than Xander with Brock I think...but, he got my OCD gene, so that is expected).  Matt wanted 4 kids.  Because he is one of four.  And when I say "originally", I am talking, way back in high school, when we had only been dating for a few weeks.  I remember the moment we discussed this, walking back to my house from a party at Courtney Reardon's. And I remember thinking how dumb it was to even talk about it...like anyone who dates in high school actually stays together. But loving that we both wanted huge families.  I even remember thinking, "oh, he will come around, there is no way he will want to stop at 4 kids."

Now?  I think part of me panics at the idea of never "expecting" another child.  I have NEVER liked surprises until now.  And every child is a new, amazing experience.  I feel like I grow and become and new, better person with each birth.  Does one travel to a new, foreign, beautiful place and have the experience of a lifetime then think to themself, "there I did it, I am done, no need to ever go back." Or do they say, "when's the next trip!?" 

With each kid, you see a different side of yourself.  You see all the potential you feel in yourself passed on to a new generation. You wonder what they will make of themselves, and you know, whatever it is, it will be great.  At least in your mind, anyway.  You also see the many characteristics of your spouse.  You are surrounded by little pieces of the love of your life.  It's like having a bowl of ice cream every night, which I love, but now, suddenly, I have caramel, and a warm brownie and some coffee to go with it.  Can I please have some hot fudge, whipped cream, and heath bar crumbles to go with it!?

Don't get me wrong.  I constantly fight myself about this.  I think, am I just being totally selfish?  Bringing more and more lives into this world. There are plently of people, the population isn't hurting.  I work long hours (hopefully in a few years it will only be 4 days a week though), so I don't even get to spend lots of time with the 3 I have, why have more?  I constantly rely on family to watch them. In fact, my family is probably reading this thinking, "for heaven's sake, I hope she is kidding."  But THAT is only another reason I want more...I want my kids to have lots of siblings to rely on for help.  It's a viscious cycle.

And probably, what trumps every other reason, is that I love babies. I have said it before, babies are one of the very few things, perhaps only true thing that calms me.  Sitting still, letting my mind shut off, relaxing, is a rare thing.  In fact, I am not sure I ever truly knew that I could relax until Brock was born.  I let my body and mind have a break. I stayed home. I sat in the recliner all day and took care of my newborn.

Lastly, I am not being totally honest if I don't add in the part about how I have really amazing babies.  I mean, if all babies were this cute and healthy and "easy" then a lot more people would probably have a lot more kids.  I am sorry, it's just the way I feel.  And I wouldn't be a good mother if I didn't feel this way about my own kids.  So, don't take it the wrong way. 

And at this point, I wouldn't even mind if all 6 were boys.  These guys are the joy of my life.  And I also wouldn't mind if I did stop at 3.  I never said I needed 6 kids, just that I want them. Oh, and Brock wants them too...just the other night, after dinner, Matt jokingly told Brock there was a baby in my belly after I had told Brock he couldn't sit in my lap.  Brock's eyes lit up and he said, "really!?"  I said no, and then told Matt not to do that.  Brock then said, "you will next time though, right?  We are going to have lots of babies, right?" This isn't the first time that boy has informed me he wants lots of brothers and sisters.

So, in summary, I am crazy {about my kids}.