Wednesday, January 9, 2013

And you think I am laid back?

I grew up thinking that I was helping teach my little sister how to be excellent.  Constantly, pointing out things she could do better or differently.  It aggravated me that she did not stick to a sport or musical instrument long enough to become top performer. But what I think ended up happening, is that she taught me, how to not take everything so seriously.  She called me up a week ago, to ask if Matt could get her a photo of she and Neal, and the Krieger family from the wedding.  She honestly just wanted those 2 pictures, and trusted our opinion as to which ones would be the best.  Years ago, I would have had a problem with this, but now, I know, she truly does not care. I would have had to inspect every photo.  I would have hmm'ed and hawed over 2 or 3, trying to decide which was the best.  Leah will just throw on the first 4 clothing items she finds on her floor as an outfit for the day. People will compliment the look, she might even appear fashion forward!  This took no effort on her part.  On the other hand, I stress out that I can't find an outfit, because I haven't had the time to fold and put away everything, as well as hang the long sleeves with the long sleeves, the dresses with the dresses, and all in rainbow color order.  I can almost guarantee you, that when she has kids, they will not have coordinating pajamas on Easter and Christmas morning (except that I might buy them for her).  She let her bridesmaids all where different colored, different styled dresses and shoes. She just enjoyed herself on the party bus, did not care about photo ops, or creating the perfect picture/moment. She simply enjoyed her friends and family on the most beautiful day of her life.  And to her, this day was perfect.

I wish everything could be truly perfect.  I really do.  I know it's unrealistic.  As the saying goes, "you can never be over-dressed or over-educated".  This permeates into how I dress my children even.  I am hosting a baby shower, and I refuse to buy appetizers from Costco, they must be homemade. I didn't have time, so I had to order invites online, instead of personally making them.  Do you know how hard it was to convince myself that is was "OK" for someone else, somewhere in the world to be sending the same invites?  Every moment, every detail, every day does not have to be completely unique, or perfect.  Though it helps to always do your best, some days that is not possible.  Lately, most days it is not possible.  Therefore, I have adapted, and adopted a somewhat black and white view, all or nothing kind of thing.  Therefore, people mistake me as laid back.  When really, I have just surrendered for the time being.  For my health, as well as those around me.
The Kansas City Blazer team motto is "commitment to excellence".  I swam for this team for 11 years.  It did not help my personality disorder. In fact, I believe this to be part of my problem.  When I see a simple solution to improve one's life, I feel compelled to share this thought.  In my many years of living with this drive, and being reprimanded for improper use of my opinions, I have adapted. Some people even describe me as laid back.  I have learned to just be silent, until my thoughts are requested - in most cases.  I am by no means perfect. I slip up from time to time, and release my unsolicited, perhaps, unkind, observations.  Often, I have found, that my outlet is to instead provide examples of my own life decisions, mistakes, situations, stories, in hopes that one might see that they are not alone.  And, I believe that is how this blog was born.  So, that I may remember my many thoughts. Share my stories. Give my opinions.  And hurt no one by doing so.

For as long as I can remember, I have had the compulsion to say what I am thinking. At all times.  If I hold my tongue, it takes considerable thought and effort on my part.  For some reason, it has always been simplest to say what I mean, get it off my chest, and move on with my day.  Perhaps, I try to remember too much, or I have such an over-abundance of thought that expelling a few of them is  the  only way my mind can move on to other, more important items. I remember my mother, constantly counseling me, telling me that sometimes we don't need to express our opinions. She went on to explain that even if they are correct, or I perceive them as helpful, sometimes people just don't want to hear it. I may or may not, have been slapped on the face a couple times for my thoughts, observations and opinions about the way the household was being run, while growing up.  Though I was certain I was being helpful, I regularly hurt my siblings feelings with my remarks.  The only one who didn't seem to mind my candor, and perhaps found it amusing was my father.  He has quite the ability to let things roll off his back - a trait I acquired from him.
The baby is dressed in the same color scheme as I, his shorts match my shoes and earrings. This wasn't an accident.
Even on here, I am extremely censored.  There are things that "should not be publicized", perhaps considered taboo.  Though, with me, almost nothing is in that category.  I will share almost any detail that is asked of me.  I have no shame. I don't get offended. It is nearly impossible to hurt my feelings. I love criticism.  So, don't be fooled.  Just because I am silent, does not mean I don't care.  In fact, it's most likely, quite the opposite.

1 comment:

erademacher said...

And this is why I love you!