Rollercoaster.

Pregnancy. Such an up and down ride. Emotionally, physically and spiritually. That second line that you so desperately watch for, every time you take a test, appears. For days, maybe even weeks, you had tried not to get your hopes up. Tried not to already begin envisioning life with your new child. And there it is, a cheap piece of plastic, trash to anyone who sees it, suddenly signifies a whole new life. Literally. The immediate sensation is amazement. Then pure joy, happiness, excitement, disbelief, anxiety. But mostly just satisfaction and a little impatience. That is the first hill and drop of the roller coaster.

For the next week, you want to tell it to the world! It's so new and exciting. You almost wonder if it's true, except for those familiar first trimester symptoms creeping up on you. Each day a bit more tired. Each day a bit less hungry. A bit more nauseous. Everything smells. Dreams are weird, nights are restless. By 7 weeks, you don't even think you have to tell anyone, they can see it in your tired, exhausted, cranky eyes. Your oily, broken out face. It's all you can do to make it through each day. You try to remain happy, remind yourself of what a little blessing it is you are carrying. Creating. You comfort yourself by repeating that these horrid symptoms which make me feel like death, are only coming from this teeny, tiny, lovely miracle because he or she is still growing well and doing fine. They are a constant reassurance and nuisance. Weeks 7 through 10 are a somewhat dark time, for me anyway. A time when I repeat over, and over, and over: never again. Yet here we are, pregnancy number four! And finally, by week 13 (if you're lucky) you are through that tunnel, despite a bit of vomit along the way.

As your energy increases, your spirits lift. Survival mode subsides, and suddenly, you are excited again. Baby consumes your mind. Did I just feel it kick!? Is it a boy or a girl? Will he look like me? This one has to have brown hair and eyes. I can't wait to meet it! What should we name him? Should we find out what we're having? Even the siblings begin to sense more of the baby's existence, though you're still not showing. They kiss your belly, say "hi" to the baby. Make guesses as to it's sex. It's all so much fun, just a few weeks difference and you've already forgotten the tunnel you've been through and have conveniently avoided thinking about the tunnel yet to come...

...for now, I will stick with coasting. I will enjoy my second trimester. And hope for a smooth transition into the third. I love you 4.O. For now.