Toilet Paper

Public bathrooms are gross. Everything is automatic these days (which is a whole 'nother pet-peeve post) because nobody wants to touch anything. Ideally, the bathroom is relatively unused, and has just been cleaned. It's like winning the lottery when you walk in and the seat is up, the smell of bleach lingers, and there is a tinge of blue to the water. But most of the time you walk in to see the usual; an overly air-freshened restroom, with obviously used toilets evidenced by some hair on the seat or skid mark in the bowl and no sign of recent maintenence. So, you try to contact as few surfaces as possible. You squat, relatively unbalanced because you're in heels, your thighs begin to burn and you reach with one hand to the one, un-automatic device in every bathroom: the toilet paper. As you reach for this toilet paper, you are hoping for the well-oiled wheel, where a nice, long perfectly lengthed strip of paper pulls off the reel in one swoop. Done. But more often than not, that is not the case. You pull on the paper, and a half square tears. You change your technique, and this time you get nearly 2 whole sheets, but then the reel really gets stuck. So you now have to manualy turn the roll, inch by inch, then tear, then roll, then tear until finally you are either A.) satisfied that you can minimally absorb all that is required to be comfortable or B.) in so much pain from doing a 3 minute squat you don't care anymore. You flush with your shoe. Wash your hands, and leave. Any satisfaction you may have obtained from relieving your bladder (or otherwise) has been robbed. By the toilet paper.