Friday, February 10, 2012


Our 5th wedding anniversary was absolutely nothing like I dreamed it would be. Now, I don't generally get mushy. I don't celebrate Valentine's day. I don't really get overly sentimental about too many things. But for some reason, my wedding anniversary is extremely meaningful. Matt and I got married on the 10th of February in 2007, we started dating on the 8th of February way back in 2001. This time of year comes around prompting me to reflect and look back at all the happiness, love and beauty meeting one person has added to my life. It gives me an excuse to have one night, alone, with my biggest, oldest and favorite boy.

When we met our wedding photographers, over 5 years ago, I already started planning, in my head, a little 5 year anniversary photo shoot. I thought I might get a hotel for a night, have some old, crazy looking tux or suit from a thrift shop waiting for Matt to change into. I would have found a dress, gotten my hair and make-up done, and we could go out around town and take "trash the dress" type pictures for our anniversary! But, as it turns out, when you are 9 months pregnant with your 3rd child while in residency, the time, motivation, and desire to be photographed has disappeared. In fact, I was so busy obsessing about how miserable I am, and just barely able to take things day by day, that I didn't even get Matt a gift. Nothing. Not even a card. I did set up a sitter for the night. So, I guess, technically, I gave us dinner (though, he paid.)So, I went on with my horrid work day. Filled with having to do more than just sit. I had to try my hardest to put a smile on my face while interacting with co-workers and patients, when all I really wanted to do was cry. All my patients showed up in clinic, which never happens, which means I am insanely busy. People kept asking me "how are you", and as I have expressed before, I have a hard time lying, so after a long exasperated, obviously annoyed with the question sigh, I would say, "oh, fine." Most of the time they didn't believe that response and got the message to discontinue conversation...but a few wanted details. So, I listed off all the reasons I am not currently fine, to which the most common response was, "just a couple more weeks." Great, thanks for the comfort.

So, finally, I get in the car to head home. I just start crying. I get home, to an empty house, and continue crying. I am waiting on Matt to finish meeting with a potential wedding photography client, and trying to get my act together. But it's not working. I am not hungry. I am never hungry anymore. So my lovely, relaxed, gourmet, usually wine-filled dinner is not even something to look forward to this year. Matt gets home, understands my situation and feelings without me having to explain my tears, and happily suggests a place for dinner.

We drive to Oak 63, and have to wait in the car for a few minutes while I try to pull myself together and stop crying long enough to look reasonable. But as soon as we get in the restaurant, and I sit on the hard wooden chair, and can't scoot up to the table, I can feel tears brimming at my eyelids. Matt looks up and says, "Oh great, this looks awesome." And I can't help but laugh. Here I am, obviously pregnant, a few days before Valentine's day, on a Friday night, out to a nice dinner with a man, and I am other explanation than he is leaving me!

The evening continues and despite my embarrassing show at the restaurant there is a moment during dinner when Matt just looks me in the eye and says, "There is just something about the combination of good food and good music...with you, that makes me really happy". And I just smiled. No more crying. Just smiles from that point on. I mean, how can you pity yourself, or your situation after that statement? I have more support from one person, than most people do from an entire family or community. Anniversary, a success.

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